You need some special organic shit so that you don’t get gross pesticides or gluten or whatever all over the inside of your mouth? We got you covered. We carry so much shit you wouldn’t believe. Come on in. Here’s just a short list of all the types of food you need for all the weird trendy diets that you’re probably on. You can probably get a whole bag of food for under a hundred bucks if you’re careful.

  • Organic
  • Gluten-free (even if you don’t have celiac disease, it’s fun being trendy)
  • Vegan
  • Paleo
  • Vegan-paleo (for those who just don’t give a shit any more)
  • GMO-free
  • GMO-lite (Because who knows?)
  • Low-salt
  • 1% Pesticides (a little cheaper than the stuff you really want to buy)
  • Chicken coop slavery “free-range”
  • Pasture-raised
  • Squishy
  • And more!!!!!

If you don’t shop here you’re sending a subconscious message to yourself that you don’t care too much about your health and that you’re just going to spend all the money you save on doctors. Whatevs. Your choice. It’s a “free country.”