Helicobacter Pylori Surprise with Ancient Recipe Dumpster Sauce

You’re a footloose fancy free drop-out who’s not into the Law or washing your hands sufficiently or at all. When it’s your turn to make dinner at your questionable living situation, here’s a special recipe for all that mashed expired food you found in the dumpster behind the Dirty Hippie Coop, you cheap son of a bitch.

Here’s what you need to make Helicobacter Pylori Surprise:

  • One pound bag of mushy Organic Red Delicious apples, which nobody even likes so why do they keep growing them?
  • One open jar Eggplantz!® eggplant-flavored raw mayonnaise
  • A few dented cans of Caged Mermaid® tuna-flavored phish
  • Literally whatever else you took out of our dumpster

Refrain from washing your hands, per usual. Massage all ingredients together and/or trod to a mash with your bare nastyass feet.

Squeeze into a casserole dish and let it warm up in the sun for a good five or six hours.

Look at you, you made something made out of food! You’re practically Julia Child! Who said you’d never amount to anything? (Literally everybody.) Serve to your housemates with pride.

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